| A very big F U to you. *rips hair out* I never blog about my life because I find it rather pointless, but I can't take this shit anymore!
Here's what I've had to deal with for the past 5 months...
Rewind back to grade 12. So back in high school I was this in-the-closet jock. I was MVP of almost every sport, graduating athlete, executive of many clubs, blah, blah, blah. All in all, I was liked by most students. While on the softball team I met this girl named Josie. Josie is 16 and one of my brother's friends. Josie and I got close so I told Josie I was bisexual I figured, if I was trying to come out of the closet, the least I could do is tell my friends. So it turns out, Josie had a crush on me. She told me she thought she was bisexual as well. A week later she tells me she was actually straight, but I was the only girl she had ever liked. So the season went on, and I felt a little weird around Josie (because I could not return the feelings) but I kept close because I didnt' want to lose her as a friend. So one day, she invites me over to her house for a "movie night". During one of the movies, she puts the moves on me and I, feeling highly uncomfortable, pull away. I stayed overnight (because I had told her I would, but nothing happened) and continued to feel awkward the next day. A few days later, I told her I had felt awkward, and she had told me she didn't know why because she thought everything had went quite well.
Fast-forward to October 2006. My schedule at York had given me numerous afternoons off. So, I decided to go through with one of my dreams and coach some sports teams at my old high school Harbord CI. So I coached the Jr Girls Basketball and Volleyball teams. It went quite well considering I had already known a lot of the players from when I was at Harbord. So I coached the teams, and got really close with 3 of the girls Blaire, Vanessa, and Chantel. They were my prodigies and, I thought, my friends. Getting close with one of them, Blaire, I had developed a little attraction to her. I thought she was a nice and pretty girl. I was so messed up at the time, I didn't know what I was thinking. I didn't ask her out or anything, and I knew that it was wrong to like her because I was her coach, and she was my athlete. I guess it sounds stupid saying it, but I didn't know how to deal with the whole being bisexual. I didn't know how to deal with being different. Half the time I always felt I needed to talk to someone, even though when I talked, I said barely anything at all. I just didn't know how to go about this, or where to turn to. I was so messed up because I didn't have anywhere to turn to. I didn't even have family to turn to. Being anything but straight in my house, for most of my culture, is a big no-no. And my parents made that very clear.
So Josie decided she didn't want to be my friend anymore. So, me being the idiot that I was, figured that if she was my friend during the time that she liked me, I'd try to convince her I had feelings for her before so we could be friends again. I think the term I used was "I loved you Josie." Or something stupid like that. I used the word love because we used to throw that word around like a baseball to each other, and I chose the past tense because I didn't want her to think I STILL had those "feelings". Stupid mistake. So I wrote her a poem, attempting to convey all my friendliness to her on paper, since I currently hold the inability to say it using actual words. Big mistake number 2. Ok, so I admit it, my writing sucks ass! Sue me! But I thought I was writing it in plain english. I let people read my poem, and they all didn't see where Josie was getting any of her ideas from. I believe the last line I put was something along the lines of "I hope we can have the same friendship that we once had." Or something stupid like that...I can't quite remember. But I said the word friend. Friend. F-R-I-E-N-D. Friend.
So because I coached these sports teams, I was at Harbord almost everyday. Ou, the science and excercise science classes also went on a field trip to Body World, and I went with them because all my friends were going and I would only have to pay half price. Everyone who knows me knows that I like to save money. So because of all this, Josie naturally thought that, because I had nothing to do but have my life evolve around her, I was doing all this to get to her. So she tells these two teachers, Ms Capparelli and Mrs Yee (who happened to be my softball coaches) that I was harrassing her.
So one day, as I was about to start volleyball practice, Ms Capparelli asks me to come talk with her and Mrs Yee. Naturally, I thought it was about helping out with softball. So I go into Mrs Yee's office and have a seat. The minute I sit down, Ms Capparelli looks at me and says
"Laura, what you are doing is criminial. If you were a guy, you would have been arrested already."
Whhhhhhhhhhatttttt? I sat there looking like an idiot. Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty?! I walked into that room already having fingers pointing my way. So as I'm sitting there, she continues talking, telling me
"Laura, you're not a freak. It's ok to be a lesbian. We're in such an accepting society. You're not a freak"
All I hear is...freak this, freak that.....WHAT THE HELL? I'm sitting here thinking, "when the hell did I say I was lesbian!??!" and "WHEN the hell did I say I thought I was a freak?!" Then she goes on telling me
"I understand you went out with a girl here last year, and that you converted her into lesbianism because everybody thought she was straight. Is that what you're trying to do here, Laura? Convert Josie? Of course not, you know you can't do that."
Wwwwhhhhaaatt? I didn't even know what was going on!! Then they tell me that they knew all about my depression! Apparently Josie said that she was afraid to tell me she didn't want to go out with me because she thought I was going to kill myself! Kill myself! Commit suicide!!! Whhhhattt was going on?!?! They read my poem and they went bizerk! I mean I knew it was bad....but this?!?! It was such a ONE-SIDED "talk"!!!! They didn't even bother to hear MY side of the story! I mean YES I'm bi! But that doesn't mean I'll fuck anything with a vagina! They didn't believe me because I'm the bi one, and she's the straight one! So naturally, I'm the one who liked her! FUCK! ARGH! *rips out more hair* Ms Capparelli! She's such a homophobe! She starts going on about God, and how he made us, blah, blah blah....And then she mentioned the word freak again. They made me sound like I was insane! Then they told me to keep this confidential. They told me not to talk to josie, communicate with her, or even look at her.
Like I had wanted to, really. I'm sure that was first on my priority list.
So I stayed away from Harbord, gave up my dream of coaching, and just "focused" on school.
Fast forward to last night. As I was going through my MSN contacts, I realized that two of my basketball/volleyball girls hadn't been online for a while. Out of curiosity, I checked my private feature, and discovered that they had both deleted me. I knew something was wrong.
Fast forward to today. So Harbord had their annual musical today. They put on Sweet Charity. I knew people in the musical, so I decided to go today with one of my friends, and tomorrow with the rest of my friends. At the musical, I saw Blaire and some of the other girls that I used to coach. They saw me, but completely ignored me. As I was lining up to use the washroom, one of the girls saw me, gave me this "holy shit" look, and told her friend she was going to wait outside. Again, I had this feeling there was something wrong. So after the musical, I saw Blaire and asked her why she deleted me off of MSN. She gave me a bit of a BS excuse...and then I asked
"Did somebody talk to you?"
She sort of gave me this look...and then she said
"Josie talked to me."
I knew it! I thought it was one of the teachers...but it was Josie! So then I asked her
"What did she say?"
Blaire couldn't even look me in the eye....I don't even know what Josie told her. Then Blaire said
"A lot of stuff..."
I saw her cab pull up, and then she said
"I have to go..."
and walked away. ARGH!!! *completely pulls out hair* The fucking nerve!! Josie went up to my athletes and told them something! I don't know WHAT she told them, but it was so bad Blaire couldn't even look me in the eye!!!!!! AHHHHH!!!! What the hell! I'm tired of that girl telling lies about me! This was supposed to be CONFIDENTIAL but then I hear she's telling everyone! Not just Blaire!! But others as well!! She's telling them lies! I look like a pedifile! Or however the hell you spell it! FUCK! How can people do that?!?! It's not right! All those girls think I'm going to hit on them or something! What the fuck!! People are such assholes! So what if I'm bi??!? That doesn't mean I'll fuck every girl I see! They have gay male teachers at Harbord, you don't see them warning every male student they have!! What the hell! ARGH! Every student in that school knows some form of bullshit this fucktard is telling about me! And my athletes didn't even come to me and ask me for my side of the story! They just believed Josie right off the bat!! What the hell?!?! I feel like somebody stabbed me in the heart. Twice. After Blaire walked away, I just sat down and cried. I HATE crying, and I HATE crying over things that Josie does to me. She doesn't deserve my tears. She's ruining my life, my reputation. I tried to be the adult, and ignore it. Just walk away. She's my BROTHER'S friend for crying out loud. I could have been an immature bitch and made my brother cut her off, but I respected that they were friends and I let him make up his own mind on who to be friends with, and who not to be friends with. Anyway, he knows that blood is thicker than bond. While I was busy being an adult, she was busy being a child and ruining my name, spreading lies to anyone who will listen. I've dealt with homophobes, and people who just couldn't cope with queer people. I realized that you can't please everyone. But this shit, this shit just crosses the line. Just because I'm different, it doesn't give you the right to spread lies about me. Especially to immature minded high school students who usually let their imagination run free. I want Josie to know, the world to know, that I don't like her! I want everyone to know that she ruined my life. I want her to publicly fucking appologize for what she did to me! Not that it would help much. You can't unring a bell. I'm just so upset I don't know what to think anymore. I didn't even get to entirely "come out" on my own. Josie, feeling that it as her right to, upped the process. Thanks a lot. So now I feel both awkward and ostracized. A big F U to you Josie, and a bigger one to you Ms Capparelli. I hope one day karma bites you in the ass so hard your grandchildren feel it. |
Then, Nhi and the receptionist Marcia bought me yummy noodles and imitation duck from Buddhas! It was so good! Then, one of the mothers of the kids in my program bought me a pastry/cake from Chinatown. Then the kids sang happy birthday to me. I was so touched. I didn't think anyone could have wiped that smile off of my face. 